its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
