I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
