So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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