Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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