I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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