you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
