I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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