The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
