so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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