Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
