The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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