you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize