I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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