A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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