So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
