she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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