Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
