I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
