Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
is wine microwaveable?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you never un-have a 4some
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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