oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
