I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
