So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
