On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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