He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
50% drunk capacity currently
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
