peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
