just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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