I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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