Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
