Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
