I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
