Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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