my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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