I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
