She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We left an ass print on the piano.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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