Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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