I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So many bounce houses so little time
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
True strength comes from lack of pants
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize