you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
