I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
