Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
