I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
