After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love how my cats smell like pot.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize