I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
