The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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