Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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