Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
