ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
