i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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