I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
