12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
