you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
