im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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