Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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