see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
