I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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