I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
