Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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