I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
