made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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