I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
