He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
