I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
