i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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