what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
