party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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